1 year ago today, I lost a part of my heart, again....

As many of you know, due to my being very public about our pregnancy losses, which, I am aware turns some people, off, but at the risk of sounding like an ass...I really don't give a darn...I feel it is my right to speak up and out about the miracles we were given even if they do not walk on this earth and stand up for those who also mourn the loss of their precious children and babies...

For more than 3 years we tried to have another baby, and in those 3+ years we suffered many traumatic losses....I never had  "trouble" getting pregnant, just STAYING that way...To date, we have had 13 documented pregnancy losses ranging from 5 weeks to 19 weeks along...Many of those were consecutive losses, in the 3 year time period I am speaking of, though a few were in between the kids I do have on earth.... We also had many unconfirmed, undocumented early losses (I stopped counting)...

 Anyway..At the end of those 3+ years of trying and loss after loss after loss, we finally found out, after seeing a specialists in NYC, what was causing our "issues" carrying to term, and it turned out to be very complex, (allo immune implantation issues, combined with HLA matches and HY restricting genes that developed after the birth of my son.-- very rare issues) and VERY difficult to treat without VERY expensive medications not covered by insurance...We decided to stop trying, and go back on birth control, look into adoption...That was May/June of 2013...

August 30th, 2013....I was feeling "off" and much like when I was in early pregnancy in the past, but was more or less just thinking it was the hormonal pills I was taking, but, something told me to "be sure"...Sure enough...My suspicion was confirmed...

 With as many losses as we had, and not being on the correct medication, I knew there was little hope....BUT, I prayed, maybe, just maybe, this would be it...It would be a miracle...

The endless days of blood test after blood test came and went, and after a few days, we were told to expect to miscarry again...Of course, I was devastated

I went from "giving up" and saying "okay,  I am moving on from all of this", to "surprise, even though YOU decided to stop, this is happening, so get ready!" to " maybe God really IS going to do a miracle this time, because I "let go"...  how cool would that be!", BACK to " Hello grief, my friend, we meet , yet again"....

I prepared to miscarry....All while simultaneously praying God would do the impossible...It was such a mix of emotions...Each day, I didn't know what the day would being, a miracle, or another loss...I waited and waited...

And then, Sept 14th 2013 rolled around...I felt searing pain on my right side....I knew something was not right...

Off to urgent care I went, a quick ultrasound and blood test revealed the baby was in my tube, and I was about to rupture inside...I was driven to a bigger hospital via ambulance, where I was met by a friend and my husband...I was already prepped in the blue cap and starting to feel sedated as I kissed my husband and was rolled through the doors to surgery to have my baby taken...In the process they had to take out my right Fallopian tube and also NOT in the plans, had to have a reinforcement done on my bowel,, because the "nicked" me in the surgery by accident...How "fun", right? 

I awoke, feeling like id been hit by a truck, and was emotionally drained, and broken...I still remember the sounds and smells of the hospital, even today...I remember feeling, yet again, like every other loss, a piece of ME was taken away inside, a part of my heart, never to be healed, or given back again...Even today, I feel empty inside from the things we have had to endure and even still, my heart aches when I see a new baby, or belly....Wishing we could celebrate that in our lives again, or even just be happy for someone else, but instead, it just brings back such painful memories...Feelings of hurt, and abandonment, and I pull out the "why me" card again....Even today...the pain has not gone away....It is still an ever present ache, deep in my soul....

I drove home, and tried to put on my "brave face" for the kiddos at home, (which are true miracles, and I am soooo so thankful for them, but just like when you lose a parent, having the other one present does NOT make up for the loss of the other, nor does having children already make up for the loss of what could have been, what SHOULD have been) and all the while, I just wanted to go home, scream in my pillow and cry, and cry and cry...WHY God, why would you allow this to happen, if it meant more loss, more hurt, more complications, and almost my death!?? why?....I don't get it!?

I still don't have those answers from Him yet about any of that ... Even though, I  am now  faced with more issues, not related to babies and bellies, but none the less, major health issues, and the feeling of being sooooo BROKEN in my body, I cant help but wonder, what the purpose of all of this is...And WHY? Why sooo much pain, suffering and unending grief, and hurt?

All I can do, is keep looking at what I decided to place on my body (a mere 4 weeks before this took place last year) as a memorial to all our babies gone to soon, and for every hard thing I have endured in my life...

Romans 8:18

Present Suffering and Future Glory

18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

Help me lord to focus on the JOY that will come, when you decide to reveal it, and not my past, present or future circumstances here on this earth, in this season of my life....

Feels good to be back...

Back "home"...Back on the mountain...Back in good ol California...

I have been finding myself filled with much more peace and joy, despite my health circumstances. I think it is a combination of  fresh mountain air, the sunshine, amazing landscape and views, being close to family, and connecting with old friends, in this new season also meeting new friends who have brought a richness to our lives...

We have been greeted by strange weather, (severe thunderstorms, dust storms) earthquakes, all kinds of wild life, including a HUGE bear who likes to stuff himself with our garbage...lol...California is such a DIFFERENT place compared to New York...It has been a great change for all of us...Its like each day is a new adventure...Even though these are my "old stomping grounds" I feel like it is somehow different than it was when I was younger...I have lived a LOT of life in the 12 years I was gone, and now, have returned with a new appreciation...And and expectation...I cannot explain it, but there seems to be a weight that has lifted off of me, and I can really BREATHE...I can stretch out, and really be ME...Crazy, silly, fun filled ME....

He still has a plan...

You have been sitting in the ash heap of your broken heart and burned up dreams. You had to rest and be still there a while, because your pain was so immensely great. You felt stuck, but had to be still for Poppa God to heal you. He sat there next to you in your great pain and grief. At times you couldn't feel His presence, and this pained you, because the depths of emotion were so dark and lonely.... Many friends and family were there at the beginning, but they finally stopped hanging around. In your time of isolation, you were being held under the very wing of His love. His shadow was protecting you from the harsh exposure of your brokenness. You were laid out bare and feeling naked. False shame and the soot of your ashes made you feel unlovable and unworthy. You felt that all eyes saw only your mistakes and your rejections -your ashes; but He was washing you gently. Pulling out the splinters and shards of glass that penetrated your heart. The abandonment you felt was so heavy, you thought you could never be loved again, but He was with you all the time. Some nights were so long and so lonely, your tears fell like waterfalls. Your pillow was soaked at night. You bravely smiled in the daylight and told others you were fine. Your soul was being strengthened. Your resilience was emerging. Your faith was growing through the thickets and briers ...stronger, reaching high to the heavens. You didn't know this, but the saints were cheering you on. God Himself was holding your hand when no-one would comfort you. Your tears have been collected carefully in His perfume bottle. His oil of gladness is now replacing the sorrows for songs of joy. Rise up, Beloved. Out of your ash heap you will rise. He is pouring out His sacred, sweet oil on your head. He is the Glory and lifter of your head. Those who look to Him are radiant and their faces are never covered in shame. The traces of the ashes are no more. Your robes are radiant and white, glimmering like diamonds -just as the afternoon sun shines on a lake. There will be scars from what you overcame, but they are your marks of beauty for His glory and purpose. The pain will fade away, but your strength and faith will remain. You will rise, Darling. You will stand on the heap of the enemy, with his head crushed under your feet. You will walk in honor and beauty. You will be celebrated as one who is a mighty and brave warrior -a princess anointed as queen at the table of the King of Glory. Do you hear Him call out to you? "Rise up, Beautiful One. You are my Beloved, and I am faithfully yours." 

~Jenny Williams, Ruby Wives/ A Modern Day RuthCopyright 2013.

Photo Bomb of the last two days to travel to CA...

Things have been a whirl wind sine we started out at 4 am from Colorado Springs, CO, headed out on a 14 hour drive day to get to Mesa AZ...We stayed over in Mesa, (visited with my brother) and then the next day drove the 5 hours to the mountains where we are now living...I really am exhausted from my DR appt today (will make separate post) or I would elaborate on the trip more, but pics or more fun than  my rambling...So here goes...

 Me and my bubba, with my little man doing the most awesome photo bomb ever!

 Pic

of what we drove...minus the detour to CO...



Now here are some pis of the area we are in in the San Bernardino mountains....

 elevation 7000 feet-

 Me and my momma....

 

Pis from around the house/neighborhood...so quiet and peaceful....I am glad to be home....

 

The thrill is gone...

Yup... Soooo over driving ...

Thankfully made it into Colorado Springs tonight and bypassed all the storms in the Midwest... We literally missed a few tornadoes by a couple of hours... Feeling thankful for all the traveling mercies... But so ready for this to be over.... Struggling physically pretty bad today ...

Tomorrow will be our longest travel day yet,  with 11 hours and 40 minutes of drive time,  not including stops- but the day after that will only be 5 1/2 hours....

Here are some pics from today- crappy cause of the bug splattered window etc lol 

Swim time :) 

Day 2

Today we left OH around 6 am ... We traveled through Indiana, Illinois, through Missouri, and on into Kansas... We have stopped over for the night in Junction city... Got some swimming and hot tubbing in to relax ... Kids are now in bed and I'm about to head there myself but wanted to update ...

I am Feeling super blessed because all of the hotels are booked out totally for 100 miles ... There's some kind of country fest and military stuff going on,  with deployments etc.... It was so God that we got this room ... I just happened to call ahead of time to make sure that they had a room available,  which we had planned not to do, just in case we wanted to go further than anticipated if we felt like it... But something told me we needed to stay in this area, and to call ahead and sure enough there was one cancellation,  literally called five minutes before I did...

We hit no traffic again, no bad weather, and despite a few grouchy mood the kids and the dog has been amazing... I've probably been more uptight than anyone... Lol ... But really I just want to get to California...

Here is a photo bomb of the day ...as much as I could get anyway - in between dealing with kids and dogs and bathroom breaks and snacks,  switching movies over and of course being the navigator..

This is how far we have gone since yesterday morning :) about half way there!!! 

Random pics -