Laura Hackett - Beautiful Mercy

There is no pit too deep
that Jesus cannot reach
there is no sorrow so strong
that will overtake his beloved one

No pit too deep
That Jesus cannot reach
There is no sorrow so strong
That will overtake his beloved one

And He's brought me to the wilderness
Where I will learn to sing
And He lets me know my barrenness
So I will learn to lean

Yes He's brought me to this wilderness
Where I will learn to sing
And He lets me know my barrenness
So I will learn to lean

He's so kind
Oh beautiful mercy
Do what you have to do
Jealous Lover
Do what you have to do (You know the best way)
Beautiful Mercy
Do what you have to do
Jealous Lover
Do what you have to do

You've brought me to the wilderness
Where I will learn to sing
And You've let me know my barrenness
So I will learn to lean

So I will sing
Yes I will sing, I will sing
Even in the brokenness
I will sing
Even in this loneliness

New pics!

El shaddai - Cover sang by, yours truly....

One of my FAVE SONGS...( NOT the amy grant version)

I Knew What i was getting into ....

The 7 stages of grief

   I have been sitting here, pondering the stages of grief. As I look over the last almost 3 years (and even before that, with other close losses, like my father's passing) dealing with infertility and pregnancy losses, I can tell you that this is a pretty good representation of what it can be like to walk through the stages of grief...Of course, everyone deals with grief a little differently, as we are individuals., but generally speaking, most people find themselves dealing with these 7 stages at one point in time or another when they have suffered a loss, of any kind.. I am writing from a standpoint of the loss of a recent pregnancy (very traumatic ectopic situation)  because that is the most recent loss I am dealing with, and I  try not to write on anything I have not experienced myself....I am not sure where I am in the grief stages right now...I seem to flip back and forth from depression, anger, and testing...I have a feeling it is going to be a LONG road to acceptance...

Below is a graph that shows the stages.

The initial state before the cycle is received is stable, at least in terms of the subsequent reaction on hearing the bad news. Compared with the ups and downs to come, even if there is some variation, this is indeed a stable state.

And then, into the calm of this relative paradise, a bombshell bursts...

• Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.
• Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.
• Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.
• Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.
• Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable.
• Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions.
• Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward.

This model is extended slightly from the original Kubler-Ross model, which does not explicitly include the Shock and Testing stages. These stages however are often useful to understanding and facilitating change.

The most important thing to realize is that each of these stages is normal, and that so long as you are progressing through them (even slowly) then you will eventually reach acceptance, or healing. Sometimes people seem to get stuck in one stage, or to skip stages. If psychological theory is right though, you can't really skip a stage--you won't really heal and move on unless you have been through all of them

One thing I experienced was that my husband and I often progressed through these stages at different rates, or in different ways. So he wanted to distract himself and avoid thinking about our baby at the time when I wanted to wallow in my grief and just talk about it... or he was angry at the world at a time when I was fixated on trying to just get pregnant again.

You should not feel pressured to grieve in a certain way, nor to be "all better" by a certain time. Each stage will manifest in different ways in different people, and in different kinds of circumstances, and things that are helpful for one person may not be helpful for another. However, here are some examples of how the various stages might manifest when grieving over miscarriage. (If you have something to add, please comment and I will add it here in the post.)

Shock

The news of fetal demise or the onset of physical miscarriage is overwhelming. It's common go to into an adrenaline-filled "fight or flight" mode, with moments of startling clarity (choosing whether or not to have a D&C, arranging babysitting for other children, or calling in sick to work). It's also common to completely freeze up and be unable to do or think anything. You may not be able to cry at this stage...or you may not be able to stop crying.
Denial

Trying to convince yourself that the baby didn't really die, or that you never were really pregnant. That something has been misdiagnosed. That you should get a second opinion, or a third. That if you just hurry and take the right herb or medication that everything will get better. This stage might also be called "Distraction," as some people (notably husbands) seek to avoid thinking about the loss. Sometimes this manifests in wanting to get pregnant again as soon as possible (as though you were always just pregnant). Sometimes it manifests in wanting to never get pregnant again.
Anger

Casting blame at anyone and anything that might possibly have contributed to the miscarriage. It's common to be angry at your spouse, with the rationale that they contributed the 'flaw' that caused the miscarriage, or that they are not supporting you in the way that you want them to. You might be angry at yourself, feeling that your body is broken because it did not keep the baby. You might be angry at the baby, or at God. You probably will be angry at anyone else in the world who has children, or babies, or is pregnant, or who takes those things for granted, or who has never lost a child. You will most likely be upset with anyone who is insensitive to you.
Bargaining

At this point it is normal to think about anything that you could change about the status quo, and to fixate on changing them. It's common to feel disgruntled about your marriage, to feel like if you had a different spouse things might be better (you might have more money or live in a nicer place or have more friends or better support or even, most literally, that procreating with a different partner might have avoided miscarriage). This stage may involve wanting to try to conceive again right away. You may try to 'make deals' with God (things like "I don't want to miscarry again so if I'm just going to miscarry then don't let me get pregnant again").- 

* I really did a number on myself in this phase, over the last few years...I made some very poor choices, that seemed like a really GOOD idea at the time, because I was soooo fixated on doing anything I could to change thew situation, be it realistic or not...I went as far as to change churches, because I felt like maybe the pastors view on healing was preventing me from getting where I needed to be in my journey to healing and fullness of health...Granted there was a few more circumstances and reasons behind leaving,But, I would say my grief was a HUGE driving force, and I had NO idea at at the time, because in MY head it seemed reasonable at the time...Of course hindsight is always 20/20...***

Depression

As the graph indicates, this is an inactive state. Many people feel lethargic when they are depressed. More than feeling 'sad' per se, they often simply feel nothing. It is common to withdraw from social activities--sometimes to avoid questions, possibly to avoid the possibility of feeling happy (many of us feel guilty over being happy about something, as though it indicates a lack of love for the child we are grieving).

Testing

Testing is the beginning of acceptance. I think it's something like learning to roller skate--with false starts and falling down. There are a few attempts to move into 'acceptance' and some of them will fail miserably, which will drop you back into depression or anger or some other stage, and then you'll have to push forward again. You may need some time to gather yourself before you feel ready to try again. Eventually however, with continued trying, you will reach the final stage of

Acceptance

This is what we refer to as 'healing.' As with any wound, there will be a scar. You will never return to being the way you were before the miscarriage, but you will find a new 'normal' and you will reach a point of being able to live life, get things done, and even be happy. You'll be able to hear pregnancy announcements, see pregnant women, or hold infants and not be depressed. You'll be able to look back at your loss without fixating on it, and you'll be able to look forward into the future, and to move into it. Sometimes people refer to this stage as 'closure' but it's broader than that. It's not closing the book on what happened, it is accepting and validating it, and moving forward with life anyway.
Sometimes things drop me back into grieving for my children (although the grief is not so intense nor does it last long). Perhaps it's seeing a child who is the age my angel would have been. Perhaps it's meeting someone whose due date is near when mine was. Sometimes it's being with someone who is going through a loss of her own. Sometimes it's looking at my own children, and wondering how our family dynamic would be different if those other babies had lived....One thing I can say for sure... my experiences of loss have made me into a different person than I would have been without them.

Almost 10 years ago...

I was almost 10 years ago, this summer (August to be exact) that my life was forever changed....

Let me take you back a bit further...Just so you can get a better understanding of how impactful this time was for me...

Despite being raised mostly "Christian" for most of my youth, I was, at one time what some would call a "troubled teen"...After the divorce of my parents, when I was 13, I began down a very dark road... My Father, who was living in New York at the time, was absent. My Mother was working 60+ hours a week, and then partying a bit like a kid again her self, when she could on the side. She was sort of facilitating my partying lifestyle at the time too...

We were more like pals, than mother and daughter...Things had changed...I had changed...My Mom had changed...Life was different...

I started feeling more depressed, maybe it was hormones, maybe it was the divorce?.... Then, I started hanging out with different people, and ditched the friends who were actually decent...I got caught up, and wrapped up in the attention I was getting from boys too..Attention from Bad boys, who were nothing but trouble and I knew it, but I didn't care. Something about the thrill of knowing they were bad news made it even more fun...And with little to no supervision, I had plenty of time to get into situations I should not have been in. It was always fine and dandy, until things stopped being fun and games for me, one horrible afternoon, when a few guys decided it would be "fun" to force themselves on me.... Repeatedly...I blamed myself ...It took years of counseling to even be able to sleep at night...

That event sent me in a tailspin...I eventually turned to drugs to numb the hurt, guilt, and anger. I started with a little bit of pot, until that stopped working, and eventually found my way to doing crystal meth, regularly. Heck, I was doing anything and everything I could to get my hands on it, for just a moment of peace, even if it was counterfeit... I began to deteriorate.

I was up for days on end, skipping school, running away for weeks to live with strange tweakers in the ghetto, just to get high, stealing, robbing people, and did many more questionable, and even terrible things...

Eventually that landed me a long stay in juvenile hall. I was forced to get my act together...For a while anyway...

I did my time, got out,and was 100% certain I was done with this lifestyle..I was still dabbling in little things here and there, and hanging around with men I really had no business being with. Men who were 6+ years older than me....Eventually, I ended up in a dysfunctional, abusive relationship... I thought it was "love"...But I was in love with the IDEA, of being in LOVE....Then...I got pregnant...At 17...Despite being on birth control, and taking it "right" for more than a year, I found myself with a positive home pregnancy test, and heart full of regret, and tears streaming down my face....

After confirming, via ultrasound, I was pregnant, the father of my daughter and I started to get our acts together, and "do things right" (AKA- "play house") and he was "going to counseling" and working on his past, and he swore, he would never hurt me again .....

I was committed to being a good parent, and staying clean, and making this relationship work, for the baby, if nothing else...We did OK, for a while...

It was not until my daughter was 3 months old, everything hit the fan, and things got more out of control than I could have imagined....The abuse got MUCH worse...To the point where I could have died.... I finally had enough, and filed a report. He went to jail for a number of months (he had prior offenses too, a real "winner") and I spiraled out of control, emotionally... Again.

The life I had tried to build crumbled in front of me...I turned once again to drugs...I even lied to myself and told myself it made me a "better" single parent since I stayed up longer and had more energy etc...But eventually, that all came crashing down too, and I hit the bottom....HARD...

I had a dream, one night, and in that dream, I was somehow at my father's church in NY (that I had only been to once before) and there were people there praying for me. I felt so much peace in that dream...I knew I was supposed to go back , and I did JUST that, when I woke up the next morning...I needed to get my thoughts together, so I had my mom take my daughter for a few weeks, while I went and visited my father in NY.

So, off I went...On a plane...Broken, and soooo totally devastated...This was NOT how I pictured my life...The drugs were wearing off, and I was seeing and feeling the weight of the consequences of all my choices. It was VERY hard to see sober...I hated who I had become...I hated that I was not the mother I needed to be...How could I be, at 18? Hurt, confused, broken, and desperate...

Now, fast forward 3 weeks- I am in NY, attending my Father's church...Which for me, was something I never thought I would do, after my childhood chuch ostrasized my mother and I after the divorce, because they did not understand how my mom could leave my father. All they ever saw was the "masks" we wore, not how abusive their marriage really was...Anyway, all that to say, I was bitter at the church...And somehow, moved on, just enough to let myself walk in that building...

I experienced a tremendous amount of healing in that time- And for the first time, found out what it was like to have a RELATIONSHIP with Jesus, not just read about him and talk about him...The restoration that took place in my heart, and life was amazing...The Joy I experienced that summer, feeling the LOVE of my heavenly father like never before was priceless....The time I spent with my earthly father, mending our past issues and making new memories was more than I could have ever asked for....
I decided to get baptized that summer, there at my father's church...ONE of the best days of my life!

Little did I know, I would eventually meet the love of my life there at that church,  (that same summer) and together we would spend the majority of the next 10 years raising our family there, at that very church, watching God do miracle after miracle in our lives....