1 year ago today, I lost a part of my heart, again....

As many of you know, due to my being very public about our pregnancy losses, which, I am aware turns some people, off, but at the risk of sounding like an ass...I really don't give a darn...I feel it is my right to speak up and out about the miracles we were given even if they do not walk on this earth and stand up for those who also mourn the loss of their precious children and babies...

For more than 3 years we tried to have another baby, and in those 3+ years we suffered many traumatic losses....I never had  "trouble" getting pregnant, just STAYING that way...To date, we have had 13 documented pregnancy losses ranging from 5 weeks to 19 weeks along...Many of those were consecutive losses, in the 3 year time period I am speaking of, though a few were in between the kids I do have on earth.... We also had many unconfirmed, undocumented early losses (I stopped counting)...

 Anyway..At the end of those 3+ years of trying and loss after loss after loss, we finally found out, after seeing a specialists in NYC, what was causing our "issues" carrying to term, and it turned out to be very complex, (allo immune implantation issues, combined with HLA matches and HY restricting genes that developed after the birth of my son.-- very rare issues) and VERY difficult to treat without VERY expensive medications not covered by insurance...We decided to stop trying, and go back on birth control, look into adoption...That was May/June of 2013...

August 30th, 2013....I was feeling "off" and much like when I was in early pregnancy in the past, but was more or less just thinking it was the hormonal pills I was taking, but, something told me to "be sure"...Sure enough...My suspicion was confirmed...

 With as many losses as we had, and not being on the correct medication, I knew there was little hope....BUT, I prayed, maybe, just maybe, this would be it...It would be a miracle...

The endless days of blood test after blood test came and went, and after a few days, we were told to expect to miscarry again...Of course, I was devastated

I went from "giving up" and saying "okay,  I am moving on from all of this", to "surprise, even though YOU decided to stop, this is happening, so get ready!" to " maybe God really IS going to do a miracle this time, because I "let go"...  how cool would that be!", BACK to " Hello grief, my friend, we meet , yet again"....

I prepared to miscarry....All while simultaneously praying God would do the impossible...It was such a mix of emotions...Each day, I didn't know what the day would being, a miracle, or another loss...I waited and waited...

And then, Sept 14th 2013 rolled around...I felt searing pain on my right side....I knew something was not right...

Off to urgent care I went, a quick ultrasound and blood test revealed the baby was in my tube, and I was about to rupture inside...I was driven to a bigger hospital via ambulance, where I was met by a friend and my husband...I was already prepped in the blue cap and starting to feel sedated as I kissed my husband and was rolled through the doors to surgery to have my baby taken...In the process they had to take out my right Fallopian tube and also NOT in the plans, had to have a reinforcement done on my bowel,, because the "nicked" me in the surgery by accident...How "fun", right? 

I awoke, feeling like id been hit by a truck, and was emotionally drained, and broken...I still remember the sounds and smells of the hospital, even today...I remember feeling, yet again, like every other loss, a piece of ME was taken away inside, a part of my heart, never to be healed, or given back again...Even today, I feel empty inside from the things we have had to endure and even still, my heart aches when I see a new baby, or belly....Wishing we could celebrate that in our lives again, or even just be happy for someone else, but instead, it just brings back such painful memories...Feelings of hurt, and abandonment, and I pull out the "why me" card again....Even today...the pain has not gone away....It is still an ever present ache, deep in my soul....

I drove home, and tried to put on my "brave face" for the kiddos at home, (which are true miracles, and I am soooo so thankful for them, but just like when you lose a parent, having the other one present does NOT make up for the loss of the other, nor does having children already make up for the loss of what could have been, what SHOULD have been) and all the while, I just wanted to go home, scream in my pillow and cry, and cry and cry...WHY God, why would you allow this to happen, if it meant more loss, more hurt, more complications, and almost my death!?? why?....I don't get it!?

I still don't have those answers from Him yet about any of that ... Even though, I  am now  faced with more issues, not related to babies and bellies, but none the less, major health issues, and the feeling of being sooooo BROKEN in my body, I cant help but wonder, what the purpose of all of this is...And WHY? Why sooo much pain, suffering and unending grief, and hurt?

All I can do, is keep looking at what I decided to place on my body (a mere 4 weeks before this took place last year) as a memorial to all our babies gone to soon, and for every hard thing I have endured in my life...

Romans 8:18

Present Suffering and Future Glory

18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

Help me lord to focus on the JOY that will come, when you decide to reveal it, and not my past, present or future circumstances here on this earth, in this season of my life....