A glimpse...

Of where we will be living....This is in the area of the San Bernardino national forest, also known as Crestline, Lake arrowhead, Running Springs- Big bear Lake area-
 Here are some random snap shots of the area-

Here also is some video of the terrain, and my fave OFF ROADING!!!!!!!!!!!! I  cant wait!!!!!!!

here is a vid from the city, up the mountain....:)

Follow up on testing with EP

I had my follow up appointment today to go over all the testing I had with the Cardio/EP dr I went and saw last month. It was of course, a LONG morning, between driving down in commuter traffic, to waiting an unusual amount of time for the DR to come in...But alas...He arrived, with answers.

First off. The echo was normal. so YAY about that!

The event/loop monitor showed no arrhythmias...Also super good!

The tilt table test, although it did not show the "gold standard" , it did show some interesting results in regards to the hypersensitivity from the iso. Basically, the results from that and my history, I was given the diagnosis of neurocardiogenic syncope, also known as  Neurally mediated syncope.  Which is a dysfunction of the autonomic system. It is a sub set of POTS, which he thought might be the final diagnosis. Either way, they are groups into a syndrome called, dysautonomia.

Treatment:

Increase salt and fluid intake to reduce triggers. And, I started on a beta blocker called, Toprol XL. Starting at 25 mgs....

So, all in all. It went great. I learned I am NOT crazy, hopefully, I can start feeling a bit better, with the addition of medications. Hopefully not forever...

Limbo land...

It seems we have found ourselves stuck in a strange and uncomfortable land...Limbo Land...What was once solid, concrete plans, are now thrown to the wind...And we wait...We are trying to be patient.....If you didn't already know, patience is NOT one of my best character traits, lol.

Ok, I will back up a little bit...And take you through this little journey from the beginning...

In September 2013, I had some health issues, that landed me in emergency surgery, which resulted in some unforeseen complications (they accidently cut open my colon, yes those things DO happen..lol)..It left us a bit shaken, and we decided to stop playing around and living in this mundane cycle of just going through the motions, and start talking about our next 5 and 10 year goals etc. We had to make some hard decisions about where we were going to be headed once we left NY (we have been set on leaving NY for years, just had not been 100% certain on the location in which we wanted to go to after leaving) And downsizing the house when we buy again,, and what possibly part time work for me would look like...It was all exhausting, thinking about hypotheticals...We agreed though, that these things needed to happen sooner rather than later, and we gave ourselves till feb 2014, to figure out what we were going to do.... But, we also agreed, we needed to take a little "break" from the real life stuff too and have some FUN together!... 

After such a crazy last couple of years, with numerous pregnancy losses, church craziness, ending of relationships with people you thought you trusted, and then, just plain stupid decisions made by us, and subsequently, reaping natural consequences from ALL those choices...It just plain sucked... But  can tell you...MANY, many lessons were learned...It is funny how you learn more in the hard times, than in the good...Anyway...I digress.

After much discussion, we decided to bite the bullet and take a trip to see my parents out in California. It had been nearly 7 years since we had been out...We needed a vacation...I NEEDED to see my MOM, especially after that surgery scare.....It was a win, win...And it JUST so happened, some unforeseen money come our way, and I scored the plane tix for less than half the regular price!!!...We were over the moon! 

The 12 days we spent in California, back in Oct/Nov were absolutely soul soothing, heart healing, and magical... We made so many amazing memories...

It was about halfway through our trip, when I realized my husband was seeming a bit intense..No doubt, the conversations we had before vacation were weighing on him , now that he had no work to take away from that focus...I knew something was turning in his head, I just did not know what.  The next day or so after probing a little ( ok, a LOT)...It finally came out...He had began to consider moving out to CA...I was a bit shocked...I did notice how much more affordable the housing was in the area we liked,  and even taxes were cheaper...But most of all...My parents were out there....

Many of you remember me saying.. I will NEVER, ever, ever move back to Cali, ever!"...Well, its kind of this running joke me and God have...I say "never", and he says, "Oh REALLY!?...we will see about that...lol" ( Yes God LOL's at me, we have that kind of relationship... heheheh)......You see,  stuff happens...Perspectives are shifted by experiences, good and bad...People change. I have changed. 

When we had discussed moving in the past, ( and we have planned on leaving NY for years) moving to a warmer, sunnier area was KEY...We had thought NC, SC or TX possibly. But none of those places had family close by. Jared's mom is here in NY and mine is in CA...Staying in NY was OUT of the question, for so many reasons. So, I began to see the logic behind his thinking...Especially since we were seeing it was affordable, and doable. We decided to kind of bench the idea till we were back home and had our real life glasses on, and not the vacation ones that made everything seem possible ..LOL...But both of us kept thinking about it...I could tell each time our eyes would meet, and we both had a certain smile...

We got back home, and  we talked some more, and decided to see what a transfer with his company would look like. Things were getting more serious, much more than we anticipated, especially so soon! After a couple meetings with a few of his boss's, we had gotten word, the end of February/beg. March would be our target date to move! We were shocked, and sooo excited! We rushed to get the house ready to sell, and packed about 80 percent of our things, downsized, etc and even through the holidays, kept focused. At the start of Jan 2014, we listed. 

End of jan 2014...We get news from the corporate chain at Jared's work, that cuts are being made, and "restructuring" is happening, so the transfer may be pushed out till april but no worries...Ok, No big deal...

Beginning of Feb..."It could be 6 to 8 months, maybe longer"...Basically NO one knows what is going on...And TONS of people are being told they cannot transfer for 18 months or more, no matter what the location is...So it isn't just our transfer that is being affected. 

One sliver of hope is, he reached out to a past mentor who works with the company still, and is now at headquarters. He is going to see if any of his contacts can assist in getting this transfer moved through sooner, and possibly with an even better position than we initially thought! There are NO guarantees, but we are praying for some favor here... 

In other news...The House selling...UGH...All I will say is, the next house we buy, I will DIE in, before I sell again...It is just utter ridiculousness! Dealing with the buyers flaky, unprofessional agents is grating in my nerves...BUT, my house has never been this clean, consistently...LOL! We have had a couple of "almost offers" but it was between us and another house, and the other houses won. But in hindsight, had we accepted an offer and pushed to close sooner, rather than later, we might be homeless, waiting for this darn transfer! So, I am not going to get discouraged about that one bit. 

I just have a pet peeve about people who have no courtesy for others when scheduling showings, and either coming uber late and displacing us for 3 hours with 4 kids and a dog in 10 below weather, just to say "meh, I don't like the yard", to just plain not showing up, and after cleaning for 3 hours I was less than thrilled....But, I guess it is all apart of the "experience"...One I hope to NOT relive again! 

Adventures in my crazzzzyyy life....

So, about a month ago, I met with a cardiologist and electrophysiologist, from Albany Medical center, about some episodes I have been having for a while now. Come to think of it, I have always had a variation of these kids if issues since I was a child, but was misdiagnosed for years and years. Anyway, The episodes are similar to fainting, but with some pre syncope issues, like flushing, cold sweats, cold extremities, nausea, headaches, dizziness, then eventually my heart rate goes funky and so does my blood pressure, and BAM, down I go...No real rhyme or reason to it, and nothing I can do to stop it...It is NOT from "getting up too fast", or anything of that sort. The plan was to see the cardio/EP doctor, and let him do some tests and make a determination about the causes and get an official diagnosis.

When I had my initial consult, he mentioned, based on my history and symptoms, that it seems as though there is a problem in my autonomic nervous system, which is causing the reflexes that control my heart rate and blood pressure to NOT work properly. WHY that is happening, and what the exact causes are,  are unknown right now, the tests he wanted to do would help us see a bit better. So I scheduled my tests a few weeks later, and last tuesday, I went in...

..It was rather eventful!

I will back up though, and start from the beginning...

I went back down to Albany, and checked in at my cardiologists office for the testing that needed to be done.  First test on the list, Echocardiogram.

I went in, got on the LOVELY gown ( shown above)

Then , a wonderful tech came in and probed my chest for 25 minutes...No word back on those results yet...I will get that info in Feb 25th.

As soon as that was done, I got dressed, and waited for the Tilt table test ( aka- TTT)...

I was slightly nervous before, but nothing major. I had done a little reading, and even watched a few youtube vids from the mayo clinic on TTT's, so I was aware of what they were going to do, and knowing about it, helped to reduce any anxiety. They called me back, and had me take off most of my top wear, and put back on another gown, then waited, while they went over the test, risks, and what they were trying to find etc...It all seemed easy enough...

Then, they started to hook me up to all the machines...Holy crap, was it a LOT of wires!! They would not let me fiddle with my phone or take pics..Boo...lol...But in hindsight, I am glad...

So, the first part of the test, you start out laying flat. They get a baseline heart rate and blood pressure. Then they raise me,  to a mostly standing position, while strapped down to a table, also, while continuing to monitor. This goes on for 45 minutes. If I were to have passed out in the first 45 minutes, they would have stopped the test, and had the results needed. But, I stayed awake. Which is not uncommon. Many people dont pass out on the TTT.  I had many issues with fluctuations, but none severe enough to cause me to pass out in that first 45 mins.

After the 45 mins, they lay you back down, for about 5 minutes. They then preped an IV line to give fluids, and so that they could administer a medication called Isoproterenol intravenously. It acts as a artificial adrenaline, to speed up the heart rate. Then they stand you up again for 30 mins, unless you pass out before then....

Well...Things did not go as planned when they gave me the meds through the IV...I ended up having a bad reaction...Once they stood me back up, and started the meds, I was immediately unable to breathe, move, talk etc...It was as if I was being drowned!  My heart rate SHOT up, super fast, my muscles started shaking and I started to have hot flashes and cold sweats...The monitors started going off, they stopped the meds, and started me on oxygen ASAP, but nothing helped...THEY started kind of freaking out, which freaked ME out...Then They laid me flat, to try and stabilize my heart rate and blood pressure. I did not even get to complete the second half of the test. They were all freaked out by the event, and made the DR come in and see me before I could go home, because it was soooo crazy! None of them had ever seen anyone react to the meds that way before. I was slightly traumatized...It was a bit much for me...My body is still so tired, even now from it all, even almost a week later!

Anyway, I ended up, after all was said and done, with a 30 day event/loop monitor, that will continuously monitor my heart for any abnormalities over the course of the next 25- 30 days...Here is a peek at my new "best friend" for the next few weeks...

This little gadget will go with me EVERYWHERE, 24/7 except  in shower..Fun fun...

NOT!

This monitor is a pain in the BUTT...I am allergic to the sticky pads, and the wires irritate me...I will be sooooo glad when this is over, and we have some answers, hopefully!

Something new and exciting!

I have always, always LOVED make up...

Even at age 3, I used to watch my mom put on her makeup every chance I got, and I snuck into her things and played around on more than a few occasions!

As an adult, I still have a passion for makeup, only now, I am a bit more picky about what I put on my face than when I was 3 years old. Over the years, I have tried it ALL...every HSN, QVC and amazon deal out there...I always go back to some form of mineral makeup, be it powder or liquid. I find it causes less dermatological issues for me in the long run.

I get a LOT of comments when I am out, asking me what I use, and I usually reply "a little bit of this or that"...because I was always getting some makeup here, and there...I could seldom find a product line where I could get everything I need all in ONE place and in ONE order...

That has ALL changed since finding Younique! I can get EVERYTHING! From vibrant, rich pigments (which I found other mineral makeup companies usually had very neutral tones ONLY), and 100 % natural 3D Fiber Lashes, to the BRILLIANT Moisturizing gel, and rose water...I am in LOVE with this stuff!!

So, why not get on board, and back a company, not only selling high quality products, but also make a little cash on the side, and have a product to recommend when I get those awesome compliments? I could not find a reason to say NO!

Why not check out  some of the amazing products for yourself, and read about the founders and their mission to uplift, empower, validate, and ultimately build the self esteem of women around the world! Sounds like a great company right!?

I thought so too!

I am new to this, and am still learning, but there is not much to learn when all I have to do is rave about my own great experiences, and earn points for FREE makeup and make some extra money on the side! It is a Win- Win here!

If you are interested in products, or becoming a independent presenter, feel free to contact me HERE. 

Laura Hackett - Beautiful Mercy

There is no pit too deep
that Jesus cannot reach
there is no sorrow so strong
that will overtake his beloved one

No pit too deep
That Jesus cannot reach
There is no sorrow so strong
That will overtake his beloved one

And He's brought me to the wilderness
Where I will learn to sing
And He lets me know my barrenness
So I will learn to lean

Yes He's brought me to this wilderness
Where I will learn to sing
And He lets me know my barrenness
So I will learn to lean

He's so kind
Oh beautiful mercy
Do what you have to do
Jealous Lover
Do what you have to do (You know the best way)
Beautiful Mercy
Do what you have to do
Jealous Lover
Do what you have to do

You've brought me to the wilderness
Where I will learn to sing
And You've let me know my barrenness
So I will learn to lean

So I will sing
Yes I will sing, I will sing
Even in the brokenness
I will sing
Even in this loneliness

New pics!

El shaddai - Cover sang by, yours truly....

One of my FAVE SONGS...( NOT the amy grant version)

I Knew What i was getting into ....

The 7 stages of grief

   I have been sitting here, pondering the stages of grief. As I look over the last almost 3 years (and even before that, with other close losses, like my father's passing) dealing with infertility and pregnancy losses, I can tell you that this is a pretty good representation of what it can be like to walk through the stages of grief...Of course, everyone deals with grief a little differently, as we are individuals., but generally speaking, most people find themselves dealing with these 7 stages at one point in time or another when they have suffered a loss, of any kind.. I am writing from a standpoint of the loss of a recent pregnancy (very traumatic ectopic situation)  because that is the most recent loss I am dealing with, and I  try not to write on anything I have not experienced myself....I am not sure where I am in the grief stages right now...I seem to flip back and forth from depression, anger, and testing...I have a feeling it is going to be a LONG road to acceptance...

Below is a graph that shows the stages.

The initial state before the cycle is received is stable, at least in terms of the subsequent reaction on hearing the bad news. Compared with the ups and downs to come, even if there is some variation, this is indeed a stable state.

And then, into the calm of this relative paradise, a bombshell bursts...

• Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.
• Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.
• Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.
• Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.
• Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable.
• Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions.
• Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward.

This model is extended slightly from the original Kubler-Ross model, which does not explicitly include the Shock and Testing stages. These stages however are often useful to understanding and facilitating change.

The most important thing to realize is that each of these stages is normal, and that so long as you are progressing through them (even slowly) then you will eventually reach acceptance, or healing. Sometimes people seem to get stuck in one stage, or to skip stages. If psychological theory is right though, you can't really skip a stage--you won't really heal and move on unless you have been through all of them

One thing I experienced was that my husband and I often progressed through these stages at different rates, or in different ways. So he wanted to distract himself and avoid thinking about our baby at the time when I wanted to wallow in my grief and just talk about it... or he was angry at the world at a time when I was fixated on trying to just get pregnant again.

You should not feel pressured to grieve in a certain way, nor to be "all better" by a certain time. Each stage will manifest in different ways in different people, and in different kinds of circumstances, and things that are helpful for one person may not be helpful for another. However, here are some examples of how the various stages might manifest when grieving over miscarriage. (If you have something to add, please comment and I will add it here in the post.)

Shock

The news of fetal demise or the onset of physical miscarriage is overwhelming. It's common go to into an adrenaline-filled "fight or flight" mode, with moments of startling clarity (choosing whether or not to have a D&C, arranging babysitting for other children, or calling in sick to work). It's also common to completely freeze up and be unable to do or think anything. You may not be able to cry at this stage...or you may not be able to stop crying.
Denial

Trying to convince yourself that the baby didn't really die, or that you never were really pregnant. That something has been misdiagnosed. That you should get a second opinion, or a third. That if you just hurry and take the right herb or medication that everything will get better. This stage might also be called "Distraction," as some people (notably husbands) seek to avoid thinking about the loss. Sometimes this manifests in wanting to get pregnant again as soon as possible (as though you were always just pregnant). Sometimes it manifests in wanting to never get pregnant again.
Anger

Casting blame at anyone and anything that might possibly have contributed to the miscarriage. It's common to be angry at your spouse, with the rationale that they contributed the 'flaw' that caused the miscarriage, or that they are not supporting you in the way that you want them to. You might be angry at yourself, feeling that your body is broken because it did not keep the baby. You might be angry at the baby, or at God. You probably will be angry at anyone else in the world who has children, or babies, or is pregnant, or who takes those things for granted, or who has never lost a child. You will most likely be upset with anyone who is insensitive to you.
Bargaining

At this point it is normal to think about anything that you could change about the status quo, and to fixate on changing them. It's common to feel disgruntled about your marriage, to feel like if you had a different spouse things might be better (you might have more money or live in a nicer place or have more friends or better support or even, most literally, that procreating with a different partner might have avoided miscarriage). This stage may involve wanting to try to conceive again right away. You may try to 'make deals' with God (things like "I don't want to miscarry again so if I'm just going to miscarry then don't let me get pregnant again").- 

* I really did a number on myself in this phase, over the last few years...I made some very poor choices, that seemed like a really GOOD idea at the time, because I was soooo fixated on doing anything I could to change thew situation, be it realistic or not...I went as far as to change churches, because I felt like maybe the pastors view on healing was preventing me from getting where I needed to be in my journey to healing and fullness of health...Granted there was a few more circumstances and reasons behind leaving,But, I would say my grief was a HUGE driving force, and I had NO idea at at the time, because in MY head it seemed reasonable at the time...Of course hindsight is always 20/20...***

Depression

As the graph indicates, this is an inactive state. Many people feel lethargic when they are depressed. More than feeling 'sad' per se, they often simply feel nothing. It is common to withdraw from social activities--sometimes to avoid questions, possibly to avoid the possibility of feeling happy (many of us feel guilty over being happy about something, as though it indicates a lack of love for the child we are grieving).

Testing

Testing is the beginning of acceptance. I think it's something like learning to roller skate--with false starts and falling down. There are a few attempts to move into 'acceptance' and some of them will fail miserably, which will drop you back into depression or anger or some other stage, and then you'll have to push forward again. You may need some time to gather yourself before you feel ready to try again. Eventually however, with continued trying, you will reach the final stage of

Acceptance

This is what we refer to as 'healing.' As with any wound, there will be a scar. You will never return to being the way you were before the miscarriage, but you will find a new 'normal' and you will reach a point of being able to live life, get things done, and even be happy. You'll be able to hear pregnancy announcements, see pregnant women, or hold infants and not be depressed. You'll be able to look back at your loss without fixating on it, and you'll be able to look forward into the future, and to move into it. Sometimes people refer to this stage as 'closure' but it's broader than that. It's not closing the book on what happened, it is accepting and validating it, and moving forward with life anyway.
Sometimes things drop me back into grieving for my children (although the grief is not so intense nor does it last long). Perhaps it's seeing a child who is the age my angel would have been. Perhaps it's meeting someone whose due date is near when mine was. Sometimes it's being with someone who is going through a loss of her own. Sometimes it's looking at my own children, and wondering how our family dynamic would be different if those other babies had lived....One thing I can say for sure... my experiences of loss have made me into a different person than I would have been without them.

Almost 10 years ago...

I was almost 10 years ago, this summer (August to be exact) that my life was forever changed....

Let me take you back a bit further...Just so you can get a better understanding of how impactful this time was for me...

Despite being raised mostly "Christian" for most of my youth, I was, at one time what some would call a "troubled teen"...After the divorce of my parents, when I was 13, I began down a very dark road... My Father, who was living in New York at the time, was absent. My Mother was working 60+ hours a week, and then partying a bit like a kid again her self, when she could on the side. She was sort of facilitating my partying lifestyle at the time too...

We were more like pals, than mother and daughter...Things had changed...I had changed...My Mom had changed...Life was different...

I started feeling more depressed, maybe it was hormones, maybe it was the divorce?.... Then, I started hanging out with different people, and ditched the friends who were actually decent...I got caught up, and wrapped up in the attention I was getting from boys too..Attention from Bad boys, who were nothing but trouble and I knew it, but I didn't care. Something about the thrill of knowing they were bad news made it even more fun...And with little to no supervision, I had plenty of time to get into situations I should not have been in. It was always fine and dandy, until things stopped being fun and games for me, one horrible afternoon, when a few guys decided it would be "fun" to force themselves on me.... Repeatedly...I blamed myself ...It took years of counseling to even be able to sleep at night...

That event sent me in a tailspin...I eventually turned to drugs to numb the hurt, guilt, and anger. I started with a little bit of pot, until that stopped working, and eventually found my way to doing crystal meth, regularly. Heck, I was doing anything and everything I could to get my hands on it, for just a moment of peace, even if it was counterfeit... I began to deteriorate.

I was up for days on end, skipping school, running away for weeks to live with strange tweakers in the ghetto, just to get high, stealing, robbing people, and did many more questionable, and even terrible things...

Eventually that landed me a long stay in juvenile hall. I was forced to get my act together...For a while anyway...

I did my time, got out,and was 100% certain I was done with this lifestyle..I was still dabbling in little things here and there, and hanging around with men I really had no business being with. Men who were 6+ years older than me....Eventually, I ended up in a dysfunctional, abusive relationship... I thought it was "love"...But I was in love with the IDEA, of being in LOVE....Then...I got pregnant...At 17...Despite being on birth control, and taking it "right" for more than a year, I found myself with a positive home pregnancy test, and heart full of regret, and tears streaming down my face....

After confirming, via ultrasound, I was pregnant, the father of my daughter and I started to get our acts together, and "do things right" (AKA- "play house") and he was "going to counseling" and working on his past, and he swore, he would never hurt me again .....

I was committed to being a good parent, and staying clean, and making this relationship work, for the baby, if nothing else...We did OK, for a while...

It was not until my daughter was 3 months old, everything hit the fan, and things got more out of control than I could have imagined....The abuse got MUCH worse...To the point where I could have died.... I finally had enough, and filed a report. He went to jail for a number of months (he had prior offenses too, a real "winner") and I spiraled out of control, emotionally... Again.

The life I had tried to build crumbled in front of me...I turned once again to drugs...I even lied to myself and told myself it made me a "better" single parent since I stayed up longer and had more energy etc...But eventually, that all came crashing down too, and I hit the bottom....HARD...

I had a dream, one night, and in that dream, I was somehow at my father's church in NY (that I had only been to once before) and there were people there praying for me. I felt so much peace in that dream...I knew I was supposed to go back , and I did JUST that, when I woke up the next morning...I needed to get my thoughts together, so I had my mom take my daughter for a few weeks, while I went and visited my father in NY.

So, off I went...On a plane...Broken, and soooo totally devastated...This was NOT how I pictured my life...The drugs were wearing off, and I was seeing and feeling the weight of the consequences of all my choices. It was VERY hard to see sober...I hated who I had become...I hated that I was not the mother I needed to be...How could I be, at 18? Hurt, confused, broken, and desperate...

Now, fast forward 3 weeks- I am in NY, attending my Father's church...Which for me, was something I never thought I would do, after my childhood chuch ostrasized my mother and I after the divorce, because they did not understand how my mom could leave my father. All they ever saw was the "masks" we wore, not how abusive their marriage really was...Anyway, all that to say, I was bitter at the church...And somehow, moved on, just enough to let myself walk in that building...

I experienced a tremendous amount of healing in that time- And for the first time, found out what it was like to have a RELATIONSHIP with Jesus, not just read about him and talk about him...The restoration that took place in my heart, and life was amazing...The Joy I experienced that summer, feeling the LOVE of my heavenly father like never before was priceless....The time I spent with my earthly father, mending our past issues and making new memories was more than I could have ever asked for....
I decided to get baptized that summer, there at my father's church...ONE of the best days of my life!

Little did I know, I would eventually meet the love of my life there at that church,  (that same summer) and together we would spend the majority of the next 10 years raising our family there, at that very church, watching God do miracle after miracle in our lives....

Against all odds....

I can say with 100% certainly, that I am here, only by the grace of GOD....
How do I know this? I will tell you!

Even as a ball of cells, in my mother's uterus, I had beaten the odds...You see, after she had my brother,(who had a different father, and was 10 and a half years older than me) she experienced a series of recurrent pregnancy losses. She had at LEAST 8 miscarriages, and her doctors told her should would probably never carry another baby to term again...And then I came to be...
She fully expected that in a week or so, after finding out, that she would just lose that pregnancy just like the other's...

But After a couple more weeks and a trip to the DR, they told her "congrats! Looks like you are going to keep this one!"...And as the morning sickness progressed,  and her belly grew, it became even more real...

I was born, July 25th 1984. 6lbs 4 oz...Thriving, and happy...I had beaten the odds...But that would not be last time...

You see, at 9 weeks of age, just two short months after arriving in this world, my mother had put me down for a nap...She went about her daily routine, cleaning the house, and the like...When something out of the ordinary happened....

She was standing in the kitchen, when she felt like a voice told her to go check on me...She had no real reason to believe I was in danger, after all I was just napping in the next room....She quickly went to take a gander at me, when she saw what NO mother should ever have to see....Her baby girl, lifeless, and not breathing...

She began to do CPR on me, and called 911....The emergency team got there, and immediately worked on me, from there to the hospital...No one really knew how long I was truly without oxygen before my mother found me,  but what they did know what that based on my condition, and how long had passed from the time she found me to the time I arrived at the hospital, was that I would never have proper brain activity from the oxygen deprivation If I by some chance I even was resuscitated ...They had basically given up on me, when I began to breathe again, and come "back to life" so to speak...The DR's were astounded, but still very firm and grim, saying that I would not have a normal functioning brain...But after many tests...They came back to my mom, stating, what they had all just experienced was a true miracle of God, and that there was NO way I should be living, let alone thriving with NO effects from the oxygen deprivation....Yet again...I beat the odds...And yet, again, this  would NOT be the last time....

Mountain air...

 I grew up in the mountains of the San Bernardino national forest, a resort area  mountain community, situated just about 60 miles east of LA, in southern California.  Elevation, 7,200 ft high....It was a majestic place ...With towering pine tree's and gigantic mountain ranges and sparkling lakes...Splendid displays of wildlife at every corner...It was a place of simplicity...And  peace...

I spent the majority of my youth, living in various places/ towns along the VERY large mountain range. Despite the distance from town to town,  EVERYONE knew everyone....

Looking back, it almost seemed like this safe little nest, hidden from the "real world", that was lurking just below...As a little girl, I used to peer down from the highway that traveled on the edge of the mountain range, and look at the city below, and wonder what life would be like outside of this little bubble. I was curious to see what it would be like to live as a "flat lander"...I longed to be a savvy inner city girl, who could take on anything the world threw at her...I felt like I was made to do more than stay tucked away in this little safe haven...I felt sheltered.... And hidden....If only I had known what was going to come down the pipe line in the future...I had NO idea, I would experience more than my fare share of "real life" by the time I hit 18....

My parents were professional musicians, who made their living each week by singing/playing at various mountain hot spots that were made popular by those visiting the resort mountain area for vacation...They thrived up there for the most part, and when things got rough during the down times, they would head to country clubs and other ritzy night clubs etc down in the city to make their living.....About 40% of the homes that were on the mountain were "vacation" homes, owned by the rich & famous. The rest were either owned or rented by the mountain residents that kept everything going in the "off seasons". The two biggest money making seasons for the mountain were summer and winter....

In the summer, you had hiking, swimming, boating, water skiing, shopping along the water front stores, and dining out in some of the most quaint and perfect little towns one could imagine...

In the winter, you had rolling mountains, coated with crystal like, white powder snow, suited for the  BEST skiing and snowboarding, and sledding you can imagine! And a View like NO other...

Despite all the beauty in where I grew up...The majority of my  time spent there, was spent wishing away the time, praying one day, I would leave, and some how, "find myself"...And explore a world I thought had so much to offer...Now I find myself having days where I would give anything to go back, even just for a day to soak in the beauty....